sunday the 15th
february 2o26
the vents are shut, i started writing and it never saved.
take two, i wonder if this is all for nothing.
does it feel as difficult for you, as it does for me?
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strong women. women that are strong. being born with certain genitalia that comes with presumptions of what you are and what you'll like. having your fate being decided for you before you even have a chance to blink. you are this, so you'll like that. you are that, so you'll be like this. you are you and i know what you are. you are my blood, so this will be that.
i do not think i am better than anyone, yet somehow i think if you let me into your life-i-can show you something you might have not noticed before. i do not like being pressured/told/ordered to do something that does not come naturally to me. if i feel ready;i would feel ready. smelling and noticing things before anyone else. it is not a race but i do not wish to wait. i am tired of falling into the same routine over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. i am throwing this all to you. i am not rereading.
i feel so bad for doing the things that i do not feel that bad for doing. i am not liking feeling like i am disrupting this normal, perhaps your normal, but i think you(we) deserve better. they will pit us against each other before they change. and i am so sorry. i am sorry for disrupting this normal but it is not normal. we can wish for a home and for the home to be more than just a place to lay our head. we can be selfish and wish for bigger and more things. it is not selfish knowing we deserve more because the world creates if you just learn to ask. it is different than being desperate when we ask. we are creators in a world that has people at the top telling us that we need to buy our desires. we can just ask. we can just think. we can just dream.
incarceration. imprisonment.
yes you provide us a place but you do not live in it. yes, you provide us a place but you do not live in it. yes. you. provide. us. a. place. but. you. do. not. live. in. it.
i realize i am a bit intimidating.
i realize i am a bit particular with certain things.
one of those things being fresh air.
every morning i am fighting my mind and trying to do the opposite. i am trying to not fall into the pattern that i think i probably should. i am trying to fight with what i am comfortable with, the same way i hold the top of the rock for three seconds longer, even as my heart thumps in throat, even as grip loosens with the sweat that is permeating my palms.
tw/ rape, abuse
1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner in their lifetime. rape. raped. how many time have you had sex with a person and you never took into account what they felt like in that moment or what they wanted? i was raped many times. having bared witness to the act, it may or may not be as violent as you think. sometimes it is very quiet. sometimes i get very quiet. sometimes i would stare at the bed sheets, at the tv screen playing scott pilgrim vs the world, sometimes it was the textured ceilling in my childhood basement. it was never a stranger.
actually once, it was a stranger. and i was very lonely and felt that my body was only good for giving. i thought he really did just want to hang out and watch a movie. i laid on my stomach and i never did say no. i never did say yes. i never said anything at all. i did cry in the bathroom, i stared at myself in the mirror and i mouthed "whatdidyoujust do" and i left a few minutes after. i blocked his number. i told myself to forget and i think i went to a park and i cried some more. and then i forgot. that same summer it was with another stranger. he was really weird. i felt really weird around him. in that moment i did not care. the lights were always turned off.
another time it was with someone i knew, but i didn't really know you. if i reflect right now it kind of felt like you were going to kill yourself. you gifted me a lot of things, and we would usually just meet past 10pm. it was rape because we would just do it but i never wanted it. in my mind, i dont think it was ever a question. i remember one time, my head was out the window and i just stared at all the lights in the city. it was kind of pretty. i was also underage and you would bring me beer which i thought was love. it was in that moment but now, years later, i dontknow.
the other times it was usually with people i loved(?*). the people i dated for a few months, some for years, some off and on. i might be haunting you. i think. im trying to let it all go. it is hard. it is really really hard. at least right now in this moment. i haven't really told anyone, any of this.
i thought love meant giving. i still think at times that love is sacrifice. and i feel really stupid sometimes because of that. i dont really like to call myself, or anyone stupid because it feels like such a heavy word. but i do feel stupid sometimes when i think about how if i love you, someone, my first instinct. probably my first action, would be to erase myself to provide you the comfort. the people i love now don't ask me to do that, and when they see that i am doing exactly that, they tell me that i don't need to. i feel like in my relationships currently i am always asking for forgiveness. i wonder if they can see that. i am so sorry for being the way that i am being. i am so sorry for being who i am. i am so sorry for being so weird. i am so sorry for not knowing when i should laugh and when i should say something funny. i am so sorry for asking you so many questions. i am sorry for not knowing when i should introduce myself. i am so sorry for being me. i am repenting. i am repenting. i am repenting and i feel like i am crying with my eyes open, i am mourning because i am remembering. i did not think that saying the things i said was going to affect me as much as it feels like it is rightnow but i am lying to myself. i still have dreams of fires, of babies being born and babies dying. in my current relationship, i am always testing and pulling out every problem so i can test to see if it will last. i am constantly wondering all these things all at the same time, and i am somehow interacting with you whilst still being very much in my head. this is my body/this is my body/this is mybody/this is mybody.
*i did love but i am a little hesitant to say that because i dont really know.
in my dreams, we are still very young.
in my dreams, i am still awake.
in my dreams, they get interrupted when i hear the chickens cry.
there used to be a lot of cats that would roam around outside, i don't see them anymore.
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-
hey hey hellooooooo!!!!!!!!!
me llamo .⋆✮⋆ sol ☀︎₊✷˚⊹star₊‧.°.⋆✮⋆.°.₊ִ ࣪𖤐
(solstar)
nice to meet yooouuu
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i am an indigenous (teaching) artist currently based in cincinnati, ohio.
my specialties include the following. . .
- textured and layered paintings come to life. various mediums. variety of sizes.
(oil, acrylic, ink, objects kept from life recycled onto canvas/wood/paper, open to all..)
*experienced in live art performances on canvas+body*
- 3-D ephemeral sculptures. ceremonial use.births/deaths . . .
* can be simplified for any occasion, such as parties, get-togethers or decoration:-) *
- spoken word poetry. performer at various events in the city. inquire for more.
-teaching artist for groups of children + adults. school/professional settings. includes lesson plans.
classes range from piñata creating-mixed media-poetry-connection for mind/body/soul painting-weaving.
*always open to casual lowkey events such as parties/get-togethers.
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i am currently teaching myself how to create this website via online resources (youtube, internet forums, books and public libraries.) everything is a work in progress and im grateful that you are apart of this.
i am paying homage to the early internet and myself. as someone who was growing up in the early2000s. thank you emojicombos.com. thank you to my brain that does not let me forget. you too, could create a website for yourself. shoot me a message..
free palestine, free congo, free sudan, fuck ice, free them all.
for the girls, girl, my enby babies, my boys, my brothers, my sisters, my siblings. my family.
see you soon