all on my own. it is 11.18
i am listening to the same song on repeat. i am holding you close to my chest. we might be a million thousands miles apart but how i can hear and feel your voice in my heart. your name is my warmth. i am holding you so tightly and i do not want to not.never.
today is o9.26.2o25. i am listening and hearing every single string being strung. i am hearing you pick up the words to hum and whisper softly.
i fill in the blanks and i assume the worst. you tell me its uncomfortable and i assume you're dying. hurting. aching so badly. i think something is very wrong. and i can feel it in my itchy throat. i am learning how to make noise when i cry. i am realizing that crying is my safe means i am safe i am the very thing that causes these tears to fall. when i see you laugh i ask you why. when i see a tree being cut i ask you why. i write you why. i say why. why why why why why why why wh ywh y why why.
i saw a tree stump and i wrote why. you told me once that someone told you once that when we write we write in red. red writing is the devil is the devil that haunts me haunts my mother. i am asking you why. i am telling you please dont ask me that again. when i was a child i waited. when i was a child i wanted and waited. today i walked and i waited for the sun to show me where the stairs are. i told you if i had any i would give it to you. i checked my bag and in my pockets i hoped and i waited i would have something. i was walking by and my bag just ripped i was gripping it and i held onto the strings. i wish that when we were sad we cried more. i wish that the tears i have teared i wish they could refill the waters. i wish the creeks had more water. i dont know if that would even be a good thing but i am still listening to the same song. i wish that we talked about school shootings we cried. i wish that when saw lives being murdered that we cried. i wish that it wasnt controversial to say to end war.
our kids are our futures/is my child/is the one i am/waiting for inside/of me and i can feel it bubble inside of me as i wait.
i think about how hard it is to be a parent. it is my selfish desire is mine and i for one am still not sorry.
i have not gone to school since the first grade is what my mother told me. i am privileged to have an education and to know and understand words. language is what they want from us the other day you told me that artists are the world. artist create and people gather . i want to know why we cant all create together. let things be destroyed.
i am guilty of holding you underwater. i pushed you down. i tried to reach for the air (too). i remember staring at the sun and with my own two eyes i saw it that one. theres been a thing that happened do you remember. she jumped into the pool with her clothes on. do you remember the phrases people say when they say it to you. do you know that i can remember a lot of our conversations and when i tell you that i remember its supposed to be a compliment. i am a lot smarter than i think i am but i am very scared to say that. i wasnt supposed to but here it is now.
11.40